When families go through separation, it’s easy for parents to worry about the long-term impact on their children — Will they be okay? Will they still feel confident? Will this change affect their future?
The truth is, children are naturally resilient — but that resilience doesn’t happen by accident. It grows through the love, consistency, and emotional safety adults provide around them.
At Kids In The Middle, I often remind parents: resilience isn’t about pretending everything’s fine. It’s about helping children face challenges and still believe they’re safe, loved, and capable. With the right support, children can emerge from family change not weaker, but stronger and more self-aware.
Understanding What Resilience Really Means
Resilience isn’t about “toughening up.” It’s about adaptability — the ability to bend without breaking. It’s how children learn to manage disappointment, recover from setbacks, and continue trusting in love even when life looks different.
In Australia, around one in five families experience separation before children turn 18. Research from the Australian Institute of Family Studies shows that children’s outcomes depend far more on how parents manage the separation than on the separation itself. When parents communicate calmly, prioritise routines, and protect children from conflict, resilience naturally flourishes.
The Role of Connection
The strongest protective factor in any child’s life is connection. It’s what allows them to feel secure even when circumstances change.
After separation, connection looks like:
- Consistent time with both parents (where safe and appropriate).
- Reliable communication — being kept informed about routines, plans, and changes.
- Knowing that both homes are loving, stable places where they belong.
Small, everyday moments build resilience more than any single event: bedtime chats, weekend pancakes, or shared laughter during school runs. These moments tell children, “We may not live together, but we’re still your family.”
Encouraging Emotional Expression
Resilient children are not the ones who hide their feelings — they’re the ones who learn to express them safely. Parents can foster this by allowing children to talk openly about sadness, anger, or confusion without fear of blame.
You might say:
“It’s okay to feel upset that things have changed. I feel that sometimes too.”
For younger children, drawing or storytelling can help process emotions. For older ones, journaling or physical activity can be effective. The goal is not to remove their feelings but to help them move through them.
Avoid phrases like “You’ll be fine” or “Don’t worry about it.” Instead, validate emotions and teach coping strategies — deep breathing, writing, or talking to a trusted adult.
Routine: The Backbone of Confidence
Predictability creates confidence. When children know what’s coming next, anxiety decreases and focus improves.
Try to keep consistent mealtimes, bedtimes, and school routines across both homes. Even simple things like knowing who’s picking them up or where they’ll sleep give children a sense of control.
A child’s brain thrives on rhythm. Regular structure teaches them that while life changes, it doesn’t fall apart. That lesson builds inner calm and trust — the true foundation of confidence.
For FIFO families, structure might look like a visual calendar, countdown clock, or “connection jar” where children draw a note or memory to share when the parent returns home. These small rituals keep connection alive, even across distance.
Teaching Problem-Solving and Independence
Resilience also grows through empowerment. Encourage your child to make small decisions — choosing their outfit, helping pack their bag, or planning a meal. These moments teach responsibility and self-belief.
When challenges arise, guide problem-solving instead of fixing everything. Ask,
“What do you think we could try?” or “How did you handle that before?”
It’s tempting to protect children from every disappointment, especially after separation. But resilience is built by facing small struggles safely — with you by their side.
The Power of Positive Role-Modelling
Children mirror what they see. When they witness parents handling challenges calmly, communicating respectfully, and prioritising wellbeing, they learn emotional intelligence and perseverance.
This doesn’t mean you have to hide your own emotions. It’s okay to say,
“I’m feeling a bit tired today, but I’ll take a break and then feel better.”
That shows children that feelings are manageable and temporary — a crucial part of resilience.
If co-parenting is tense, keep exchanges neutral and brief around your child. The way parents interact after separation often teaches more than any words. Children who see cooperation, or at least civility, grow up believing that kindness is still possible, even after heartbreak.
Community and Support Networks
It takes a village to raise a resilient child. Extended family, teachers, coaches, and neighbours all play a role. Encourage your child to stay engaged with their social world — sports, hobbies, and community programs build confidence and connection.
In regional or FIFO families, where routines may shift, schools and community resource centres can offer stability. The Kids In The Middle Safe Steps Program works closely with schools to support handovers and transitions, helping children feel secure across environments.
If your child needs extra support, early access to wellbeing services such as Kids Helpline, Headspace, or a child counsellor can prevent bigger challenges later.
Celebrating Strength
When families separate, it’s easy to focus on what’s been lost — but there’s also growth. Many children develop greater empathy, adaptability, and emotional awareness. They learn that families can look different and still be full of love.
Celebrate small wins: the first week they manage the transition without tears, the moment they express their feelings calmly, or when they start talking about the future with hope.
You might say,
“I’m proud of how brave you were this week.”
That simple acknowledgement reinforces their sense of capability.
Final Thoughts
Resilience isn’t built in the absence of challenge — it’s built through it. Children who feel loved, supported, and safe will find their way through family change with strength and grace.
As parents, your steady presence, calm communication, and belief in their ability to thrive are what make the real difference.
Because in the end, resilience isn’t about bouncing back. It’s about growing forward — with courage, confidence, and the quiet knowledge that love remains the one thing that never changes.
Kids In The Middle™ [2025]. Written by Leah Rando-Poller. Human-led content, professionally reviewed. General information only.
