Parenting is one of life’s greatest responsibilities — and when separation enters the picture, communication can become one of its greatest challenges.
For children, the quality of that communication between parents often matters more than the separation itself. When parents manage conflict respectfully, children feel safer, less anxious, and more emotionally balanced. At Kids In The Middle, I often remind parents: you don’t have to agree on everything — but you do have to agree on keeping your child’s wellbeing at the centre of every conversation.
Why Conflict Hurts Children
Conflict between parents can deeply affect children, even when they don’t appear to notice. Research from Relationships Australia shows that around one in three children experience ongoing tension between separated parents, and many internalise this stress — showing it through school struggles, sleep problems, or emotional withdrawal.
Children often describe feeling “stuck in the middle” when they overhear arguments or sense anger between their parents. They might start to believe they need to take sides, or worse, that they’re the cause of the tension.
It’s not the separation itself that harms children most—it’s the exposure to conflict that leaves emotional scars. The good news? It’s entirely possible to co-parent effectively, even when communication feels strained.
The Mindset Shift: From Partner to Co-Parent
After separation, the goal isn’t to rebuild the past relationship — it’s to build a new one, based solely on the shared responsibility of raising your child. This requires a mindset shift from personal to practical.
You’re no longer managing a romantic relationship ; you’re managing a parenting partnership. That means focusing on what works, not what went wrong.
Ask yourself:
- What do our children need to feel safe and supported right now?
- What routines help them thrive?
- What’s the simplest, calmest way we can communicate about their needs?
If every message is filtered through those questions, the tone naturally softens.
Choosing Communication Methods That Reduce Stress
Not every conversation needs to happen face-to-face — and for many families, that’s actually a relief. The key is to find communication methods that minimise emotional triggers and maximise clarity.
- Written communication (texts, emails, apps)
Using structured, written channels gives both parents time to think before responding. Parenting apps such asOurFamilyWizard or MyMob are designed for this exact purpose — they allow message tracking, tone filters, and shared calendars.
Keep messages short, neutral, and child-focused.
For example:
- Instead of: “You’re always late again!”
- Try: “Pick-up time is 3:30pm today. Please confirm if that still suits.”
- Voice notes or phone calls (only when calm)
Sometimes tone gets lost in writing. A short, polite call can prevent misunderstandings — but only if emotions are steady. If voices rise or old issues resurface,it’s okay to step back and return to written communication. - Shared calendars
Digital calendars like Google Calendar can be lifesavers for scheduling. They remove the need for constant reminders and reduce opportunities for conflict about “who said what.”
Neutral Language Creates Neutral Ground
The words we use carry power. In co-parenting, neutral language builds bridges while emotional language burns them.
Try using statements that:
- Focus on facts, not feelings.
- Begin with “I” instead of “You” (e.g., “I’d like to confirm next week’s roster” instead of “You never tell me anything”).
- Keep the child as the anchor: “Let’s decide what’s best for Sam this week.”
Avoid sarcasm, criticism, or emotional baiting — even in small doses. Children notice the energy behind every interaction.
Boundaries Are a Form of Respect
Healthy communication includes boundaries. That means knowing when to step back, what to discuss, and how to keep focus where it belongs.
- Stick to parenting topics. Avoid rehashing old relationship issues.
- Respect privacy. You don’t need to know everything about the other parent’s personal life unless it affects the children.
- Set realistic response times. Not every message requires an immediate reply.
- Avoid using children as messengers. It’s unfair to place them in that position, no matter how small the message may seem.
Boundaries are not barriers — they’re safety rails that keep the focus on healthy communication.
When Emotions Run High
Even the calmest co-parents will have moments where frustration bubbles over. The key is to recognise when you’re too emotional to communicate effectively and pause.
You might say, “I need a little time to think this through before responding.” This shows maturity and models emotional regulation for your children.
If you find certain topics consistently trigger conflict, consider involving a Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner (FDRP) or child consultant. Having a neutral third party present can help reframe issues in a constructive way.
Supporting Children Through Co-Parenting Communication
Children watch how you communicate. When they see calm, respectful exchanges — even about challenging topics — they learn resilience, empathy, and conflict resolution.
Let your child know both parents care for them equally. Avoid subtle digs, sighs, or roll-eye moments when discussing the other parent. These small behaviours can leave lasting impressions.
If handovers are tense, use neutral spaces such as schools or community hubs. The goal is to create an emotionally safe exchange zone where your child doesn’t have to absorb adult tension.
A Note for FIFO and Rural Families
For FIFO parents or those living in rural areas, communication challenges can be amplified by distance, rosters, and time zones. Shared apps and video calls become essential tools for consistency.
Keep children in the loop by showing them when the next video call or return visit is scheduled. Consistent updates — even brief ones — help them feel secure and included.
Final Thoughts
Co-parenting is not about perfection; it’s about intention. It’s choosing calm over chaos, respect over resentment, and teamwork over tension — even when it feels hard. When communication becomes purposeful rather than personal, children feel it. They sense the peace, the safety, and the love behind the effort. Because at the end of the day, co-parenting well isn’t about winning an argument — it’s about helping your child win at life.
Kids In The Middle™ [2025]. Written by Leah Rando-Poller.
Human-led content, professionally reviewed. General information only.
