When families go through separation, parents often ask, “What do my children really need right now?”
The answer isn’t always found in plans or possessions — it’s found in listening. Truly listening. Not just to their words, but to their silences, their routines, their drawings, and even the way they breathe when they’re anxious.
At Kids In The Middle, I’ve seen time and again that when a child feels heard, they begin to heal. They don’t need perfect parents; they need present ones — the kind who listen without rushing to fix or defend.
Listening Beyond Words
Children communicate in many ways — through behaviour, tone, body language, or play. A child who suddenly withdraws might not be “difficult” — they might be confused or overwhelmed. A clingy child might be seeking reassurance that love isn’t going anywhere.
Listening is more than asking questions; it’s noticing patterns. It’s understanding what they’re trying to tell you through their actions. When we slow down enough to observe, we often discover what’s really underneath the behaviour.
For example:
- A six-year-old drawing two homes side by side may be asking for equal belonging.
- A ten-year-old refusing to pack their bag may be struggling with the emotional load of transition.
- A teenager saying, “I don’t care,” may be testing whether you still will.
Listening isn’t always comfortable. Sometimes it means hearing hard truths — “I don’t like when you and Dad argue,” or “I miss when we all lived together.” But acknowledging those feelings validates their experience and helps them feel secure.
Why Listening Matters
When children feel heard, they feel safe. And safety builds trust — the foundation for emotional resilience.
Studies from the Australian Institute of Family Studies show that children who feel involved in post-separation discussions experience less anxiety and better long-term adjustment. They are more likely to form positive relationships and maintain stronger school engagement.
Listening also helps parents respond appropriately. Instead of reacting to surface behaviour, you can meet the underlying need. A tantrum becomes an opportunity for connection, not correction.
For FIFO or travelling parents, listening takes even greater intention. A phone call or video chat can feel rushed — but even a few minutes of genuine focus can make a world of difference. Ask open questions like, “What made you smile today?” or “What’s one thing you wish I could see at home right now?” These small moments reassure your child that distance doesn’t mean disconnection.
Creating Safe Spaces for Conversation
Children are more likely to share when the environment feels calm, private, and judgment-free. Timing matters too — bedtime, drives to school, or quiet walks are ideal moments because they feel natural and safe.
Avoid grilling or interrupting. Simple phrases like:
- “That sounds really hard.”
- “I can see why you’d feel that way.”
- “Tell me more about that.”
…can open doors to deeper conversations.
At Kids In The Middle, our child consultations use gentle activities and creative expression to help children explore their feelings. Art, sand trays, storytelling, or drawing often say what words cannot. You can try similar activities at home: ask your child to draw what makes them feel calm, or create a “feelings jar” where they can place notes when something is on their mind.
The Art of Listening Without Fixing
As parents, our instinct is to solve. We want to make it better — to offer advice, reassurance, or action. But sometimes what children need most is for us simply to hold space.
If your child says, “I miss you when I’m at Dad’s,” resist the urge to say, “But you get to see me on Thursday.” Instead, you might say, “I miss you too — it’s okay to feel that way.” You’ve validated the emotion rather than redirected it.
It’s in these quiet moments that children feel deeply loved. You’re showing them that all feelings are acceptable, and that they don’t need to hide their sadness to protect you.
Listening Together — Co-Parenting With Respect
For separated parents, listening isn’t just about hearing your child; it’s also about hearing each other — even when that’s hard. Children feel safest when they sense cooperation between their parents, not competition.
If your child tells you something about the other parent, pause before responding. Ask yourself: Is this about me or about their need to be heard? Neutral responses like, “Thanks for telling me, that sounds like something you can talk to Mum/Dad about too,” keep communication healthy.
Schools can also play a key role here. Teachers often notice shifts in a child’s emotional state. Maintaining open contact with educators allows you to support your child from both sides — home and classroom — without mixed messages.
Recognising When Listening Isn’t Enough
Sometimes, even with love and patience, children may need extra support to unpack big emotions. If you notice persistent withdrawal, changes in appetite or sleep, or emotional outbursts, consider involving a professional.
Child consultants, counsellors, and psychologists can provide a neutral space for children to express themselves freely. This doesn’t mean you’ve failed — it means you’re expanding your child’s circle of care.
In Australia, services such as Kids Helpline, Headspace, and Relationships Australia provide free or low-cost resources for families navigating separation. For children in FIFO families, some employers also offer family wellbeing programs that include access to counselling support.
What Children Really Need
When parents separate, children don’t need expensive gifts or grand gestures. They need emotional consistency — the quiet, daily message that says, “I see you, I hear you, and I’m still here.”
Listening teaches children that their feelings are valid and that they have a voice in a world that sometimes feels beyond their control. It builds self-worth, empathy, and emotional intelligence — qualities that carry into adulthood.
As adults, we might not always have the right words, but we can always offer our presence. Listening is love made visible — and for a child navigating change, that love is the anchor that keeps them steady.
