When parents separate, adults usually recognise the loss, grief, and uncertainty that come with it — but for children, those emotions often appear in ways that are less obvious. They might not have the words to explain what they’re feeling, yet their behaviour, moods, and routines start to tell the story.
At Kids In The Middle, I often explain that children experience separation as a series of emotional stages — much like grief. They may move between sadness, confusion, hope, and acceptance, sometimes all within the same week. Understanding these stages helps parents respond with empathy and patience, creating stability even in uncertain times.
Stage One: Shock and Confusion
In the early days of separation, many children struggle to make sense of what’s happening. Even if the separation was calm and explained gently, it still represents a major change in the foundation of their world.
Younger children may ask repetitive questions — “Where will I live?” or “Will you and Dad get back together?” — not because they didn’t hear the answer, but because they need reassurance.
Older children may become quiet or distracted, unsure what’s safe to ask or say.
During this stage, children need clarity and consistency. Simple language helps:
“Mum and Dad both love you. We’re not living in the same house anymore, but you’ll still see both of us.”
Keep explanations brief, kind, and age-appropriate. Overloading them with detail can cause unnecessary worry.
According to the Australian Institute of Family Studies, around one in five Australian children experiences parental separation before age 18. For most, early reassurance and structure significantly reduce long-term emotional distress.
Stage Two: Sadness and Grief
Once the initial confusion settles, sadness often follows. Children grieve the family unit as they knew it — not just the loss of one home, but of shared routines and togetherness.
You might notice clinginess, tears at bedtime, or sudden regressions (like a return to bedwetting or needing comfort objects). These are not signs of weakness — they’re signs your child is seeking security.
At this stage, gentle acknowledgement is key. Try saying,
“It’s okay to feel sad about this. I feel sad sometimes too. We’re going to get through it together.”
It’s tempting to distract children from their sadness, but allowing them to express it openly helps build resilience.
Stage Three: Anger and Resistance
Anger is a natural part of healing, but it can be confronting for parents. Children might lash out, blame one parent, or express frustration through defiance.
It’s important to remember: this anger often masks hurt or powerlessness. Separation is something children didn’t choose, and anger gives them a sense of control.
Instead of reacting with punishment, try responding with curiosity:
“It sounds like you’re feeling really mad about what’s happening. Can you tell me more about that?”
Consistency helps here too — clear boundaries, calm communication, and familiar routines.
Avoid negative talk about the other parent; it fuels confusion and emotional loyalty conflicts.
For teenagers, anger might show up as withdrawal, sarcasm, or risky behaviour. Keep connection open with small, consistent gestures — a car ride chat, a shared meal, or a gentle text. Even when they push you away, they still need your steady presence.
Stage Four: Adjustment and Curiosity
After the emotional waves begin to calm, children start exploring the new normal. They might begin feeling comfortable in both homes or start referring to time with each parent naturally.
This is a stage of discovery — where children test routines and find independence. It’s also when they might begin to express preferences or boundaries, such as where they like to do homework or which home they prefer for certain days.
Parents can support adjustment by being flexible, not defensive. Remember, preferences are not rejection — they’re about comfort. The more supported a child feels in both homes, the less divided their loyalty becomes.
In Australia, shared care arrangements have increased by 40% over the last decade, meaning more children than ever are learning to adapt between two homes. The families who do this best focus on communication, cooperation, and keeping children out of adult disputes.
Stage Five: Acceptance and Security
Acceptance doesn’t mean children stop missing the past — it means they’ve integrated change into their lives. They understand where they live, who’s picking them up, and that both parents love them unconditionally.
You’ll notice a return to confidence and stability — friendships flourish again, sleep improves, and emotional outbursts decrease.
Parents can nurture this stage by maintaining predictable routines, celebrating milestones in both homes, and continuing to reassure children that they don’t need to carry the weight of adult issues.
For FIFO or regional families, consistency in communication (video calls, letters, or shared online journals) reinforces that sense of ongoing connection and safety.
Supporting Children Through All Stages
Children move through these stages at their own pace — and they may revisit earlier ones during big life moments, like starting a new school or a parent entering a new relationship.
The best thing parents can do is to stay emotionally available, listen without judgment, and focus on teamwork where possible.
If your child seems stuck in distress — persistent anxiety, sleep issues, or school refusal — reaching out for support early can make a world of difference. Child consultants, counsellors, and school wellbeing staff can provide gentle guidance.
Final Thoughts
Separation is a journey for the whole family — one that unfolds in stages, not steps. For children, each stage is a bridge toward resilience, self-awareness, and emotional strength.
Parents who walk beside their children through these feelings, rather than rushing them, raise emotionally secure young people who know that love remains constant — even when life changes shape.
Because at its heart, family isn’t about walls or shared roofs — it’s about connection, compassion, and the simple, steady promise:
“No matter what happens, you are loved and safe in both our worlds.”
